Dear Mr Darcy… Yours, Humbert Humbert

Mr Darcy offers advice to a certain Humbert Humbert regarding his landlady’s daughter, Lolita

Dear Mr Darcy

I find myself in a strange, yet not unpleasant, situation. I have become fatally attracted to my landlady’s 12-year-old daughter, Lolita (for so I call the nymphet Dolores). I am unable to resist her youthful charms, yet I know that, if our liaisons were to be discovered, I would struggle to maintain the good standing I currently enjoy in the neighbourhood.

Please could you advise how I may continue in my surreptitious exploits without exposing myself to judgment and condemnation?

I eagerly await your response.

Humbert Humbert (Professor)

My Dear Professor Humbert

I am astounded by your presumption in consulting me on such a distasteful matter. Do you not know I am dedicated to the service of honest gentlemen, who merely seek to better themselves in life while – always – remaining faithful to the laws of honesty, morality and common decency?

You appear to anticipate that I, in my position as master of one of the grandest country seats this generation has known, will give you my blessing to pursue a liaison which you clearly know to be inappropriate, not to mention unsavoury in the extreme.

As the brother-in-law of four sisters – at least two of whom are, by their own father’s admission, very silly girls – I am, you must realise, peculiarly sensitive to and protective of the whims of young ladies. Not all members of the fair sex have the good sense of my lovely Elizabeth, and I would be a sorry excuse for a gentleman if I allowed anyone under my patronage – or even merely within reach of it – to fall prey to the depredations of a rapacious fiend such as yourself.

I am becoming further incensed as I write, but you can scarcely be surprised. Are you ignorant of my own history, or are you so blinded by your own affairs that you can no longer relate to the sufferings of others? You must know that a mere three years in age stand between the supposed object of your affections and my own dear sister, Georgiana, at the time of her elopement with that scoundrel George Wickham. And you have the gall to ask for help in pursuing such a course of action yourself!

Naturally I cannot acquiesce to your request. Indeed, I am almost speechless at your insolence in approaching me – but speech is what I must now find, to bring this whole unfortunate exchange to a swift conclusion. I can only urge you, in the strongest possible terms, to seek help for your condition – for a condition it surely is. Perhaps, God willing, and with the appropriate support, you may come to recognise the impropriety in your behaviour and, in time, even rejoin the society whose values and conventions you have so offensively violated.

I wish you good day, sir.

Yours,

Fitzwilliam Darcy, Esq.